“I would rather walk with a friend in the dark, than alone in the light.”— Helen Keller
“All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle.”— St. Francis of Assisi
Welcome to the dark side!
During this dark season when the days get shorter and nights grow longer, I always, secretly, feel a sense of silent joy! To me, the darkness is beautiful. It has a deeply nurturing feeling to it. Maybe I feel this way because my birthday is November 25th close to the darkest time of the year, or because the Thanksgiving holiday comes around at this time.
Whatever the reason, the dark season is about slowing down, doing less, being more, regrouping, and setting new intentions. This is the time of year, in the northern hemisphere, when the earth gives a giant exhale, and we are corralled to go within.
Tantra teaches us to embrace the full spectrum of who we are – both shadow and light.
I believe that our own happiness coincides with our ability to go into the darkness and shine the light of awareness. Awareness without judgment. Doing this requires great courage and vulnerability.
The shadow includes those parts of ourself that we do not feel proud of and that we do not usually show to the world. The shadow is the repository for our secrets and our deepest most personal experiences, our shortcomings, addictions, dark feelings of depression, anxiety, patterns of unworthiness, guilt, and shame. Yep! The shadow contains all of the stuff we’d rather not look at, let alone stir up.
Yet, yoga, and especially the practice of mantra meditation, is exactly the practice of stirring the pot of our samskaras (subtle imprints or grooves from the past), shining light into our darkness, and embracing it.
Yoga teaches us how to be okay with our limitations and to know that in our soul we are already whole and complete. We are perfectly imperfect just as we are, which is perfect.
Physically, asana takes us to the tense or tight parts of the body. Tension can be considered as solidified fear. When you hold a pose and breathe into the sensations, the tensions release, patterns and pain dissipate. This then opens the channels for more healing life-force to flow through.
In turn, an opening for more space in the emotional body is created. I call this bringing light into our shadow. I’m sure you’ve done a yoga pose in class somewhere and then noticed that tears welled up behind your eyes? What is that? Well … that’s the release of pent up emotion in the subtle body. It’s a good thing. I call these tears “liquid sunshine!” When you have such a release, insight often arises, creativity that has been stuffed down into the shadow is allowed to flow, and you may experience the vibration of open possibility and even ecstatic joy!
I won’t go into my feelings about the recent election results, but let’s just say I was disappointed with the outcome. It didn’t really hit me though until swim practice when from the deck of the pool, the coach addressed the darkness.
First, there had been a freak wildfire in Great Barrington on East Mountain which burned over a thousand acres and pumped a lot of smoke into the Berkshires. The fire has since died down and is no longer a threat. The coach shared that he hiked up the mountain on his favorite trail to see for himself the devastation. When he arrived at the scene, he saw that none of the trees had been burned! It was a miracle! Only the dry underbrush had burned, leaving the forest floor full of black ashes. The coach said that the ash adds a layer of compost to the forest that will actually strengthen the new growth with rich and vital nutrients!
Then he laid the really bad news on us: the athletic facility we’d been using for almost two decades will be closing. Simon’s Rock College, home to this facility, will be relocated to another town, closer to the larger parent campus of Bard College. This means that the entire Simon’s Rock campus, including the athletic facility, would have to close down.
I was so bummed to hear this news. My heart became very dark. Given everything going on in the world today, I just couldn’t see the light. (On a positive note, there is a grassroots group of swimmers forming to come up with a plan to lease or purchase the property and run it as a co-op. Fingers crossed!)
Through many hours and days of letting myself be with the news of the fire, the closing of the athletic center, and the possible loss of my swim team, I began to look more deeply into the darkness. What I found was that as I relaxed into it, sadness and loss began to arise. As I embraced sadness and loss without judgment, they changed into indifference, then anger, then sadness again.
Eventually, as I followed my emotional trail, I began to feel a little glimmer of hope. I remembered what the coach said after sharing all of the bad news. He told us that no matter how dark it gets on the outside, we need to rise up on the inside. We need to remember that we have each other. We need to be grateful for what we have and for who we are. When I heard these words, my heart opened. I took a deep breath and felt lighter, freer.
Then he told us that the first set is a “gratitude swim.” He said, “Swim 4 sets of 100 yards broken down into four 25-yard segments (one length of the pool). For the first 25 yards, offer gratitude to your family. For the second 25, offer gratitude to your community, the third 25, gratitude to this place, and the last 25, to the animals!” My heart burst open as I did the gratitude swim. I couldn’t help but be reminded about the themes I use in Ashaya Yoga. This was themed swim! Brilliant!
As I’ve been thinking about all of that, a ray of light has begun to enter my heart – a ray of light about everything: the current state of affairs, the wars, the Great Barrington fire, the facility closing, all of it. I felt myself start to rise up out of the gloom and doom and sink my energy into what I’m grateful for and what brings me joy.
I instantly became overwhelmed with gratitude and joy for the practice of Ashaya Yoga, for the Ashaya Team, for all of my students, and for all of YOU! When times get dark, we need to go into our heart and remember what we’re grateful for.
Often the source of our suffering comes from a battle between head and heart. The head (mind) when overcome by fear, thrives on the known. It loves to have a plan with specific outcomes. It seeks certainty, predictability, and routine. It will always choose the familiar over new and unfamiliar. Change is a threat to the mind’s capacity to be. Living too much in the head, you can get rigid and stuck in your routines.
The heart, on the other hand, needs uncertainty, the unknown, and adventure to fuel its passion for life. The heart thrives on spontaneity and discovery. Too much adventure though, leads to anxiety and not feeling safe.
True joy comes when you find the balance between head and heart.
You need to have enough security and enough of the known to not be so afraid of taking your next step in life. When you have the right balance of certainty and uncertainty, your heart cracks open and you recognize your true nature which is joy. You begin to feel a greater level of contentment and okayness about life and about yourself. This is the promise of yoga.
My practice has been to embrace the heart more and more because eventually the heart wins. In the end, we all have to let go. In death, we can’t take anything with us. We must release attachments to our things, our loved ones, our accomplishments, and all of our known ways of being.
Everyone, in one form or another, is faced with embracing the mystery of the death experience.
The yogis say that you should die while alive to get it out of the way. Die to your expectations, doubts, fears, and self-limiting patterns. Then you can live more fully. You will die the same way you live. So, if you live with regrets, then you will die with regrets.
What is a regret? A regret shows up when you look back on your past and feel guilt or shame about something you did or didn’t do, or said or didn’t say. You didn’t take the opportunity when the universe offered it to you. You clutched. Although your heart really longed to do it, you were gripped by fear, doubt, or some other self-limiting concept of the head that overrode your heart’s deepest desire.
My intention in life is to die without any regrets. To live so deeply and fully, to love so wholly and passionately, that I die the same way. Here’s how I’d like my life to play out: Be happy, healthy, happy, healthy, happy, healthy, happy, healthy, happy, healthy, DEAD!
May you embrace the dark season and choose to follow your heart. May you choose to not give up on yourself or on life, to not give up on the light that’s all around you. May you remember to be grateful for all of the good things you have in life. May you be grateful for your community and loved ones.
Even though there’s darkness, we know from direct experience, that the light will return in the Spring! It’s already on its way!
Namaste,
Todd
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